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October 10th, 2016

06:03 am - Random bits
This is going to be a lot of very random thoughts. Often my mind is all over the places, on rare occasion I capture them through written words.

Spent few hours reading through some of my chats. The core of me has stayed consistent, my outlook on life has evolved. I'd like to think it evolved for better. It is also interesting to read through several major turning points. Except of course at the time I didn't realize them for what they were.

Back in Seattle I knew a guy. I thought him to be a good guy. At one point he proceeded to behave as an irresponsible person, and so I thought him to be a dick for that, but basically still a good person. Fast forward few years, I learned he proceeded to behave as an irresponsible person towards another person. Now I think he is just a dick.

Finding remote projects is a pain. Recruiters are mostly assholes who treat you like a piece of meat. I got a kicker out of one of the recruiters who never bothered following up with me on a remote project lead liking an article on LinkedIn that criticized recruiters for not following up. Oh lady. If you think I'll bother to reply to your emails and/or share my network with you, you got another thing coming.

My kid is seriously mini me. I can't imagine not having met her. Unfortunately I can imagine life being cruel to her. From the depth of my being I hope I raise her to be  a strong person (among other things), and she'll have the tools to deal with real realities of life, both positive and negative.
How did western society come to allow no place for grief, pain, and crying. Is any of it less legit than being happy, content and joyful?

My post asking people to donate to a couple who lost their beautiful baby to stillbirth and who are raising money for IVF has gotten shit load of likes, but very few donations. Fuck you.

My journey through educating myself on baby-loss has started out from place of fear, waddled through pretty deep dark moments, generously irrigated with frequent tears, but once I got passed the fear factor, it has transformed me in the most positive way. Read any baby loss story, be that a miscarriage, stillborn, unexplained neonatal death, and so on and so forth, and of them have tremendous amount of pain, it also has such intense beautiful aspects of pure love that drives people to do amazing things in the memories of the lost babies.

World, keep your dirty hands of my reproductive organs. Abortions are hardly ever a simple and easy choice for a woman. Not convinced. Read this - http://onepinkballoon.blogspot.com/2016/06/after-boston-why-choice-matters.html?m=1

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October 9th, 2016

09:53 pm - I can't imagine...
Most of us don't expect to be asked to walk difficult walks. But why not? Where does this naivitte come from?

Bad things happen to good and bad people. Sometimes really good people pull very crappy lottery - they experience and have crazy bad things happen to them one after another.

When faced with listening, seeing, learning about, watching other people go through difficult times you find yourself saying "I can't imagine being myself in these shoes (whatever those shoes might be)" Please remember what you are really saying is "I can imagine myself, but it is so freaking painful, my mind pulls me out of that picture. And honestly, there is this tiny (or maybe not even that tiny) part of me who is so damned happy it isn't me who is walking in these shoes."

Let's be honest, and admit we can imagine, we just choose not to.

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July 11th, 2016

02:06 pm - Reaching Out
Dear reader who is reading this right now,

I spent whole week trying to write this message. I have composed and re-written it in many different ways. I have been trying to make it prefect. Over the weekend I realized it needn't to be prefect. It needs to be real, sincere, and heartfelt.

What you are reading is sincere hope that you will join me as I try to raise funds for a very special mother in UK. This special mum is Melissa Mead. Her story is extraordinary, heartbreaking, tender, painful, courageous and full of deep love. Melissa lost her precious baby boy William just after his first birthday to sepsis. William's life could have been saved if the doctors did their due diligence, paid more attention to what his parents were telling them, and correctly diagnosed him.

What amazes me the most about her story is that despite being swallowed whole by black hole full of grief, PTSD, bittersweet memories, and non-stopping crying, Melissa pushed to get the answers. Once she got the answers, she pushed on to honor Williams by working tirelessly to raise awareness about sepsis. Several parents have posted on her blog that her work has saved the lives of their children.

I have been following her story since May 2015. After a while I started to follow her on Instagram. At that time my baby still wasn't sleeping through the night, and I was feeling miserable and so very sorry for myself because lack of sleep just plains sucks. I remember rocking my pupsik to sleep, reading Melissa's blog, crying, learning to keep things in perspective and drawing strength from her blog. What's temporarily lack of sleep anyway? It is such small inconvenience in the face of dark places we parents could find ourselves. Her story taught me how to be stronger, more patient, and dig deep inside to plow through my challenges.

A week ago Melissa posted on Instagram that her laptop died, and they can't afford getting a new one.  I know being able to blog and share her journey has been of huge help to her. I reached out to her via Instagram and asked if I can raise money on her behalf to help her to get a new laptop. My goal is to raise 1K. I am doing it on my own without using any of the sites. The reason I prefer not to use any sites is because these sites end up charging certain percentage on the amount raised, and I prefer to have any amount I end up raising go to Melissa directly.

Please consider helping in reaching my what I see a very noble goals. Easiest way would be to send money to my paypal account - dbakayeva@gmail.com You can also contact me directly if you prefer to arrange some other method of donating. I want to be transparent as much as possible. With that goal in mind, I am cross posting this on my blog at http://x-minx-x.livejournal.com/. You are welcome to leave comments about your donations on my blog. If we are connected on Instagram, you are welcome to do the same there as well.

You are welcome to share this post.

Lastly, to read about Melisa's story and keep up with her you can go here: https://amotherwithoutachild.com/

Thank you,

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June 30th, 2016

01:26 pm - Trust
I had a conversation about trusting oneself do the right thing.

What is trust? What is it made of? Is that a thought? Feeling? Inner energy?

What is the right thing? What’s right to me, isn’t necessarily right for someone else.  Is there universal right thing that will always remain right thing no matter the circumstances?

To me trust is a non-tangible, internal force that is sum of my experiences, education, beliefs, understanding about the world. It is a dynamic force. It changes with me as I change. It also responds to external factors and circumstances.

I can honestly say that I don’t have 100% trust in myself.  I have a general trust in myself as I go through my day to day life that (thankfully) doesn’t place major decisions in my path and I am not faced with (again thankfully) extreme circumstances.

I simultaneously hope that I will not be faced with major decisions to find out the strength of my trust to do the right thing in difficult circumstances, and if I am faced with difficult choice, I hope to trust myself to choose the righteous path.

P.S. I am blown away when I hear people make statements “I trust myself 100%.” 

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March 31st, 2016

02:57 pm - No Subject
I have been neglecting my blogging. Although I have been very good about reading other people’s blogs, albeit I suspect the focus of my reading would leave most people feeling very uncomfortable.

My baby is growing so fast. Every morning I bring her into my bed, nurse her, and then we cuddle/play. I was pulling away her “sosa”, and she said to me “Stop it.” Whoa! How? Who taught you this one, baby?

Every time before transferring her into crib, we cuddle, I softly say “Shema” into her ear and tell her what a wonderful child she is. Recently she started to put her arms on my cheeks and whisper baby whispering back to me. Thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

My sleep is better this day. These days “better” is waking up only once a night to nurse my pupsik. Oh how things have changed. The good old weekends of waking up at 11 AM, going for a nice brunch, and rolling back into a bed for a long afternoon nap, seem so far away. I know they happened. I am just not sure I had enough of them. Maybe I had too many of them?

I got myself two Kate Spade bags. I feel very adult. The small bag is happily living inside the big bag. The big bag is happily living on the top of our bookshelf. I happily admire the big and small bags from across our living room.

I have many fleeting thoughts, they are like ocean waves. They come over, roll over, roll away, and you can’t see they were there. Maybe I am not looking close enough?

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May 5th, 2015

10:01 pm - Parenting and sleep
Or rather lack of sleep...

First, let me say that I never thought myself to be capable of functioning at full capacity on no sleep, very little sleep, or broken sleep. But somehow I manage to work through it on regular basis. Repeating mantra of "One night at time" helps a bit.

I learned that Merlin magic suit is real magic. Sadly in our case it lasted exactly one week. The weather has gotten too hot to put the suit on the baby. It appears that even in one week the magic suit has worked it magic and the kiddo got an idea that keeping hands still equals to falling asleep. Hopefully the magic sticks around.

The twists and turns my husband and I take and jump through to help the baby to sleep are really hilarious to describe and talk about during the day time. They are a tad less hilarious to do and live through at night time.

That moment when you think the baby is asleep, and you take that delightfully nice stretch before settling yourself comfortably into your bad to only have a baby crap on it is indescribable. You have to try it out for yourself to appreciate the depth of "Awww... shit..." feeling.

You want me to admit to anything, let me not sleep and I'll admit it.

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February 28th, 2015

12:24 pm - New Parents Impressions...
Everyone got an opinion and most people are very very VERY passionate about their opinions. Some parents are passionate to a point of being ready to rip into someone or tear them a new one... Thankfully there are level headed parents who keep it cool, do their own thing, and let you be so you can do your own thing with your kid. And for those who are ready to pounce over difference of opinions in parenting style - CHILL OUT!

Lack of uninterrupted sleep is a total bitch. Thank G-d for my loyal and supportive husband who gives me regular breaks for my naps to help me to balance perpetual sleep deprivation.

All new parents need to have someone whom they know to be very level headed and trust, to come into their parenting circle, observe their parenting style and give new parents their honest opinion. My sister was that person for our family. My husband and I are both very thankful for her observations and suggestions.

I understand that my kid is not manipulating me, but oh boy oh boy, sometimes it feels like she totally does!

I love it how some people feel very comfortable to share their judgmental opinions about the choices my husband and I make. Needless to say, we are just as comfortable to tell them off.  Keep your sneaky tongues and judgments framed as genuine concerns to yourself. We can see past your BS and don’t care much about it. In fact we don’t care about you. Period!

What’s up with stupid questions like “But aren’t you afraid to leave your 8 weeks baby home with the nanny and go back to work?” What exactly would you have us to do? Lose our jobs and not have the money to raise the kid? Since you are obviously a dimwit, let me break down the reality of being a parent in the country where there is no mandatory paid maternity leave and the employment is at will. Part of being responsible parents means we have the finances needed to have roof over our baby’s head, money to pay for the clothes, doctor visits and etc. Are you going to cover these expenses? Will you be paying up for us? No? In that case, shut up, I am going to work.

Being a working mom is tough. Being a working and committed to 100% breastfeeding mom is tougher still. Having a fashionable bag made out of leather and in Dutch cow colors to carry my pump to work brings much needed smile into rigorous schedule of pumping at work.

Few of us are blessed with having true friends. Like the ones who will come through thick and thin, come to visit you and your new baby while have their hands full with their own babies, bring you tons of presents and shower you with love. You know who you are. We love all of you to the moon and back.

I always said when that having a baby will most likely mean a trip back to East Coast. We are moving back to Maryland. Honey badger says “If Super Nanny can’t come to me, I’ll go to her!”

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December 9th, 2014

03:48 pm - Labor Impressions...

There is a reason why giving a birth is called labor. It is because it is a labor to bring forth a child.

Giving birth isn't the time to be a hero. Embrace modern medicine if needed and stop with the madness of getting ganged up on using epidural. I cried with joy when I finally got my dose of it. I am glad I got it even though it stopped my labor and I had to get pitocin to get things going again.

Being in prolonged pre labor before the actual labor sucks ass. Pushing sucks even more.

The pushing was like trying to inhale and hold in enough air inside to force your behind split in two in order to open the center of your vagina. It hurts in a very particular way that I haven't felt before. It feels unreal. I am seriously jealous of all women who report having orgasmic feelings and euphoria during labor and pushing.

The doctor brought in mirror to show how close the baby was to coming out. I cried because all I saw was how much longer I had to go. I was a wimp - I was and am OK with that.

Having solid and sound medical protocols put in place is a beautiful thing. At the same time it is a restrictive thing. Truly, plus and minus rolled into one.

Mid way through the labor my sense of dignity and modesty were shredded to pieces. Yes, yet another doctor/nurse/medical staff, please come in and observe me as I lay there exposed and not always covered. I no longer mind at the moment.

I wasn't afraid of labor and still am not afraid of it. I respect it a lot more.

Most important thing is to have a healthy baby to meet you at the end of it all.

Yes, I"ll go through it again to have another baby.

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November 18th, 2014

07:03 pm - Pregnancy Impressions
It is true that man plans and G-d laughs. My husband and I's big plan was to enjoy a big trip to Mexico (ultimate and unlimited margaritas…) and try after we come back. We ended up getting pregnant during the same week that I was discussing my blood results with my doctor who was strongly encouraging us not to wait and start trying because some of the results weren't very encouraging. The whole experience and reflecting on this experience leaves me feeling very humble and very grateful that our bodies were able to do what they were designed to do naturally.

I asked my doctor if I was in the clear after 15 weeks and guaranteed that all would be OK with myself and the baby. The doctor said "There are no guarantees and anyone tells you otherwise is simply lying or doesn't know enough."

The happy hormones never came. I asked the doctor about them too. She chuckled and asked me who told me this non-sense? Seriously, who did?

This is for all the women who for some reason felt compelled to tell me some sort of horror story about a friend of theirs who had stillbirth experience or some other negative story around pregnancy. Ladies, are you out of your freaking mind to tell a pregnant woman these horrors? Yes, crap happens, but come on, embrace the light and positivity. I didn't appreciate you telling me those things. I now know better, and I would have cut you off and asked you to stop because I just don't need to be told that.

This is for all the women who are pregnant. Read the above, and if you have someone who starts with the horror story, shut them up (really, cut them off if needed), and remember that your body is amazing and your baby (babies) are amazing too.

Babymoon period lasted from week 18 to week 31 and it was AWESOME!

What's up with all this advice of "Sleep as much as you can" that everyone gives you during your last few weeks? With a huge belly that I needed to support with both of my hands at night to just turn side to side there was no sleeping as much as I can. And don't get me started on the bathroom visits...

There are way too many books out there on pregnancy. Total unneeded information overload. Chucked all the books and left only one book that was about how amazing my body is (heck yet) and my baby (that's right, she is amazing!). And even that book I read only few pages here and there...

Nothing beats having a strong support to help you through the pregnancy, and I had the best. Between a sister, who always said the right things to calm me down, a sister-in-law and my doctor friend, who were always available to answer my calls/texts, I felt I was in good hands and it helped me to stay focus and not to freak out over all crazy ideas that end up finding their way into your pregnant head. As a friend of mine told me "Just remember, there is nothing wrong with your tummy and its current occupant, the problem is in your head." Thank you ladies, you were my solid rocks.

A midwife indicated me as a high risk pregnancy. I chose to transfer care to OB/GYN. She treated me as healthy and normal pregnancy. As she told me "Unless something comes up, your age and your weight are not convincing enough for me to consider you are high risk when all the results are normal." I found it interesting how in my head I had expected a midwife to be more like my OB/GYN, and vice versa.

Having a loving, patience, and calming husband is priceless. The few melt downs I had were not pretty. He helped me to navigate through all of them and kept me calm and positive.

Pregnancy is no walk in the park, but I am willing to do it again!

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November 5th, 2014

06:34 pm - If labor doesn't come
... then start cooking. Not sure if that will help the labor to come, but being busy certainly beats relaxing all the time. Actually my recent medical order to "rest as much as I can" taught me that yes, I do need certain amount of rest. However, once I reach that certain amount, going beyond it isn't good - both my body and mind refuse to relax and no longer enjoy the rest. The rest becomes torture.

My ideal weekend rest is to wake up when I want, enjoy my cup of coffee in a bed (thank you hubby!), have a hearty breakfast (hello wonderful Seattle breakfast joints), go for a walk, and nap after that for good two hours.

My ideal weekday rest is to nap for an hour to two hours and stay busy the rest of the day.

And tonight's menu is baked califlower, Bukharian french fries (deep fried of course), and beef stew over rice noodles. Yum!

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